My Scratch Pad

:: complete and incomplete thoughts, daydreams and illusions ::

Laging Nandito

"Bakit, Kuya? Girlfriend mo na ba 'yon?" my younger brother asked, and I furrowed my eyebrows and shrugged.

"Ewan. Parang oo na hindi. Malabo 'eh," I replied.

He rolled his eyes. "'Eh 'di linawin mo!" he said, as if it were so simple.

"Hindi ganun ka-simple 'yon," I said.

He snorted. "Anong hindi?" he said, looking at me as if I'd grown an extra arm. "Gusto mo ba siya?"

I gave him a suffering look. I knew exactly where his line of questioning was going. "Kahit pa may gusto kami sa isa't-isa..." I started, and then trailed off.

"Ano?" he said pointedly.

I got annoyed. "Basta," I waved my arm to dismiss it.

"Anong basta?" he pressed. "Ba't ba ang torpe torpe mo?"

"Ulul! Sinong torpe?" I said in a menacing tone.

"Ikaw," he said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Ba, hindi ako ang walang girlfriend 'ah."

I opened my mouth to retaliate but shut it before I said anything I was going to regret. He did after all, have a point. I slumped on my seat in defeat. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was a coward. But what my brother doesn't understand is that it really isn't easy for me to admit, or even talk about my feelings, especially to a girl. I didn't have my brother's good looks, or talents. And I can name several girls who can attest to my being not boyfriend material.

As if he read my thoughts, my brother spoke up again, "Hindi naman siya kagaya nung mga dati 'eh."

"Anong dati?" I raised an eyebrow. "Nagkaroon na ba ng dati?"

He rolled his eyes. "'Yung mga dati mong niligawan," he said. "I mean, hindi naman sila tumatawag dito. Hindi ko nga alam anong ginawa mo 'dun sa babaeng 'yan 'eh, parang every weekend tumatawag."

My ears perked up. "Talaga? Madalas talaga siya tumawag?"

He chuckled. "Hindi. Pero tumatawag. Kesa naman dati na wala talagang tumatawag sa'yo. Si Greg lang. Pinaghihinalaan ka na nga namin 'eh."

"Gago," I told him. "Ikaw kaya laging tinatawagan ni Jason."

"Pero iba 'yon, ako may girlfriend na," he gloated.

"Oo na, 'wag mo nang ipamukha sa'king naunahan mo pa'ko."

"'Eh ikaw naman kasi ang kupad mo 'eh! Ano bang kinatatakot mo?" he asked.

And I paused to think. What was I afraid of? I was already being too unfair to her. She'd already done her part of making her feelings obvious without actually saying them out loud, at this point, everything should really be up to me. I am the guy after all. Am I that worried that despite everything that's happened between us, I'd still get rejected? "Para kasing..." I started. "Parang..."

"Too good to be true?" he suggested.

I looked at him, questioningly.

He shrugged. "Siguro nga," he said, for the first time, in a serious tone. "Pero, sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, isang tanong lang naman talaga ang dapat sinasagot,diba?"

"Kung mas-gusto ko bang mabuhay nang hindi nalalaman kung ano kayang pwedeng nangyari?" I said, feeling as though the whole conversation has been had by millions of people before us, and that we were incredibly stupid for having it again now. I shrugged. "Ewan ko," I said honestly. "Gusto ko siya, pero, parang ayoko pa rin 'tong matapos, 'yung alam ko lang na may gusto kami sa isa't-isa, pero hindi pa 'yung talagang kami, kasi, 'pag maging kami, ang sunod non 'eh break-up na, 'eh ayoko pa nun. Baka--" I paused. "Baka, hindi ko pa kayanin."

"'Eh 'di 'wag kang makipag-break!" he said, now back to his mocking self.

"Ano ka ba, 'pag kami na, hindi lang naman ako ang may prerogative na makipag-break. Paano kung siya 'yung makipag-break sa'kin?!"

"'Eh matagal pa naman 'yun 'eh!"

I shook my head. "Kaya nga, pinatatagal ko pa lalo."

He rolled his eyes. "Bahala ka," he said. "Basta 'wag mo masyadong patagalin, baka mainip 'yun, maghanap ng iba."

My eyes widened in alarm. Of course I'd already thought of the possiblity. It wouldn't be the first time, that some other guy makes a move on a girl I liked, before I made mine. But still, the mere thought of it, especially when it came to her, makes me worried. I still can't believe that she likes me, after all. Especially after I heard from her friends that she hardly liked anybody. Sometimes I wish I could just ask her directly what it was about me that caught her attention, and made her like me somehow. But that might seem too cocky. Still, I wish I could find out, exactly what she thought of me, so I can make myself better for her somehow.

Still lost in my thoughts, the phone rang. My brother walked over to pick it up, but before his hand reached the handset, he made a gesture telling me that I should be the one to pick it up.

I gave him a doubtful look, and then lifted the handset. "Hello?" I greeted. And then I heard her voice. "Uy, musta?" I said, and then smacked myself for using the same greeting I've always used when the last time we talked I'd told myself never to use it again. She said she was fine, and that she missed me. "Na-miss mo ko?" I asked, and I saw my brother feign vomiting.

"Na-miss din kita," he prompted me to say.

But I just blinked at him. "Sino pang na-miss mo?" I said.

My brother made the Loser sign on his forehead, and coughed the word "torpe". I waved my hand to shoo him away. In time, I thought. I'll tell her. But not now. Not yet. I don't want to let go of this uncertainty yet. She said something funny, and I laughed.

By this time, my brother had exited the room, and I was just staring at a wall, listening to her voice, that has somehow managed to always make me feel relaxed. It was unfair to her, I know. It was probably the most selfish thing I could do, to revel in the care that she was giving me, and not admit that I cared for her in return. But I just can't bring myself to be as brave as the others. I didn't want to risk getting hurt just yet. "Oo nandito 'ko," I said, when she noticed how silent I was. She continued with her story, and I smiled. Lagi lang naman akong nandito.

by: distantorigin at 10:32 | link | comments

Ambiguity

Call when you're not expected
Remain quiet when you're requested
Do the wrong thing when the time is right
Hide, when the sun is bright
Seems you've a penchant for what's undone
for secrets kept
for saying none
for hearing nothing but your own voice
telling you you've got no choice
Don't move, stay still
no need to open your eyes
but hear my laughter, hear my cries
I don't need to know your secrets
no need to tell your fears
there's no need to be so serious
Stop trying to be so mysterious.

by: distantorigin at 05:57 | link | comments

Laughing and Smiling

If you hear me laughing
Look into my eyes
You may not see my tears
But I could be crying inside.

If you see me smiling
Listen to my voice
I may not be so articulate
But words are so inadequate in expressing joy.

Sometimes we laugh because the brain tells us that something is funny
But our smiles come from our hearts.

by: distantorigin at 07:46 | link | comments (2)