My Scratch Pad

:: complete and incomplete thoughts, daydreams and illusions ::

Before I Close My Eyes

I still think of you before I go to sleep.

I used to have problems sleeping before, did I ever tell you?
It's why I started reading books, and watching TV. Sometimes the stories aren't very interesting, but I read them anyway, and I watch them anyway, if only to tire my eyes so I'll be able to rest.

For some reason, when I started thinking about you, sleeping came easy.
I joked with myself thinking how it was probably that you were so boring, you put even insomniacs to sleep, just by thinking about you. But I know that that's not the reason. It's probably because you gave me peace of mind.

I was always afraid to sleep. I was afraid that I might not wake up, or that if I close my eyes, something dangerous will happen to me. If not, I was afraid of all the nightmares I inevitably have. Somehow, you were able to quell all these fears, and put my mind to rest.

Lately, I try as hard as I can not to think about you. I watch more TV than you can imagine, and if I get bored with it, I read books, surf the internet, make bracelets, and lots of other things. I get tired, I get really tired, but despite exhaustion, sleep doesn't come to me. I close my eyes, only to open them a mere 5 minutes later, and to realize that I'm not sleepy at all.

I have lost count of the days wherein I had sleepless nights. I would come to work groggy and miserable, and frustrated because I can't blame anyone else for not having been able to sleep the night before.

One time, I allowed myself to think of you, of how you were, what you were doing, and what you've been up to lately. I imagined you working in front of your computer, churning out several ideas that improves you as an artist, and as a person. I imagined us talking again, not about anything important, just telling each other about our lives, our days apart, and how we both miss each other. It hurt me to think about you, because whatever happened in my head, I know can never happen in real life. Still, just that one time, I allowed myself all the delusions, and thoughts I'd been suppressing. And without even knowing it, I slept with a smile on my face.

I woke up the next day, still smiling, because I was well-rested, and I had good dreams. I don't remember the dreams, but I know they were good, simply because I didn't wake up in the middle of the night worried, or scared.

My mind was at rest, at ease, when I allowed myself to think of you. And despite everything, for a few moments, I felt happy.

Life is both harder and easier this way. I am sad, because you hurt me. But I am happy, because even for a little while, you were in my life. I can't sleep without thinking of you, but when I'm awake, I cannot function when I do. I just don't know what to do.

by: distantorigin at 03:06 | link | comments

Sunset at the Old Church

By the time I got to the ruins of the old church, the sun was setting. It was almost dark, the entire place was covered by a light shade of blue and grey, and a few stars were already peeking out from the clouds. But what I loved most about it, was the wind.

The wind blew strong, and it was cold. Just right for an afternoon of strenuous activities like climbing up the hills to see a better view of a sunken cemetery. The wind blew, almost in tune with the waves from the sea, which can be heard even at that distance.

There is no better feeling than when you have a wonderful view of the ocean, of the world, and you feel the wind on your face, and everywhere around you is quiet. You start to think about all the things you love, all the things you miss, everything that's important to you, and how you wish you could share the moment with them.

Naturally, I thought of you.

Were you feeling the wind on your face just like I was? Were you listening to the waves on the shore? Could you see the birds flying, and then swooping down to touch the water to drink? A million questions went through my head, and I realized how much I missed you.

So it's true when they say that some places will make you feel certain emotions, even if you've never been there before, even if you're with people you don't know, even if you're not problematic about any particular thing. I'd pushed you out of my mind for the time being, and was able to enjoy the other activities I did with my friends--white water rafting, swimming near the waterfalls, shopping, gossipping... It was just that when we were at that old church, and it was beautiful beyond words, thoughts of you creeped into my mind. And I couldn't help but wish that you were there to see what I was seeing, that you could also see the beauty, hear the silence, and feel the tranquility.

Even if I'm not with you, I wish you can visit that place someday. Nevermind what it used to be. But take it as what it is now. I honestly think, that you'll really like it. Despite its simplicity, despite its smallness, despite its being almost nothing out of the ordinary... Because it was beautiful enough to remind me of you, I think, it becomes one of the most beautiful places on Earth.

I miss you. I missed you then, and I miss you now. And I'm quite sure, that I will still miss you in the days to come. I hope you find your happiness. And when you do, I hope I can be happy for you.

by: distantorigin at 08:28 | link | comments

I've Found It!

The answer to that most irritating question of all time!

Q: How do you see yourself [insert period of time here] from now?

A: The same way I see myself now. I look in the mirror.

Muwahahahahahah!! >:) 'Yan na lang sagot ko sa mga pakshet na tanong nang tanong tungkol sa future! Mga panget!

by: distantorigin at 02:40 | link | comments

Curiosity Kills

"Alam mo naman ako, tanong lang nang tanong. Kahit 'di na appropriate, tanong pa rin." - me, 2008

I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, everyone kept telling me that curiosity was a good thing. "You should always ask 'Why'", my grandfather always said. And most adults told me the same, "Don't be content with what's in front of you, you should find out more about it, and think hard before you believe what you see or what someone tells you."

Yup, the people older than me (and this includes my teachers and professors come high school and college) have all encouraged me to find out more on my own, explore, question everything. I think this is mainly the reason I was an annoying kid (or maybe I'm still annoying to this day). Have you ever encountered one of those kids that don't stop saying "Why?" after you explain something? I was that kid when I was younger, heck, I'm still that person now, albeit a less cuter voice. Anyway, it was only recently that I thought of this habit of mine as a bad thing.

Apparently, some people feel that it's an invasion of privacy whenever you ask them why they do the things they do.

For me, I'm not really asking to invade their privacy. I'm not asking so I can use the information against them later on. I mostly just ask because I think it's interesting to find out about people, what they like and don't like and how they're different from their friends or the other people I've encountered. That's the kind of thing that's fun for me. And when they ask me questions in return, it's fine for me to tell them things about me, too. I've encountered very few people who do this, though, which makes me think that people are really more narcissistic than they think. :P

I don't ask questions that are too invasive/personal anyway. For example, I will never ask any embarrassing questions like, how many times a day do they go to the bathroom, or if they've ever peed their pants in public before. I'm not interested in things like that. I just want to know what their favorite color is, or what kind of movies they like, if they like sunsets better or sunrises, and what's their reason for choosing what they did. I don't think that's too personal. I don't even think that such information will enable me to blackmail them later on (if that's what they're worried about). But I've encountered so many people who aren't willing to give, even such trivial information.

Maybe it's because I'm a stranger. And as my friend keeps telling me, I don't know how to set the "mood" for a good conversation. "You don't just come out asking people questions like you're a reporter or that you have every right to know what they think," I've been told. But I wonder how you'll get to know people if you don't ask them about anything. Besides, I don't ask complete strangers I see on the street. I won't really talk to a person unless I've been introduced to him/her, or I've seen him/her once or twice before. I don't want to be impolite, too. But it seems that "frankness" and "being impolite" usually come hand in hand.

A lot of people get surprised when I tell them of the things I've asked people before. They look at me with widened eyes and say "No, really?! You said that?!" and I just shrug and say that if I didn't ask, how else would I know the answer? Isn't honesty the best policy, after all?

I really don't know how to go about it. I seem to have lost some friends over this, even when I've already stopped asking them questions and just wait for them to tell me whatever they want to tell me. But then I get accused of not caring enough because I don't ask them anything. Eh, people are such walking contradictions. Again, I hear my friend telling me, "That's why you have to adjust to them, get to know them, and try to find your place, the position you'll take when you're talking to them." It's all part of being human, he says. And he said that everyone does this, even when they're talking to me. Well, if everyone does it, how come people won't just accept that I'm a curious little cat who will ask questions until the day I die? Okay, that statement just shows that I'm being a brat, expecting everyone to adjust to me, and not adjusting to them in return.

I think I developed wrongly, somehow. As if, I didn't learn the things I was supposed to learn when I was a kid, and I'm trying to catch up now but it's all too late because everyone my age (even those younger than me even) have already reached a certain level of maturity, which is just too far ahead of my reach. I have difficulty talking to people, and no matter how hard I try, people just don't open up to me. I listen to them when they want to talk, I am genuinely interested in their stories of what happens in their lives, but somehow they still eventually end up being closer friends with other people. Case in point: In my old office, I had only one close friend. No matter how much I tried to reach out to the others, whenever people had something to say to me, they still tell my friend first and just expect her to relay the message to me. I always wondered why they don't just tell me directly. And then it's happening again in the place where I work now. I try real hard to be closer to the girls in our group, but all I've managed is to make one close friend, and everyone else just talks to her when they want to tell me something. I even tell them directly that they can talk to me too, if they want. But this message doesn't seem to reach them. They seem to dismiss it as a joke, which at some level hurts me, because I feel that I'm only good for being a comic relief of some sort.

People don't talk to me. And I've tried not to care about it, but because I've lost several friends along the way, I'm getting more and more worried. I want to improve myself but it somehow seems too late. People have already tagged me as the person they don't talk to when they have problems. People only come to me to ask for movie schedules and some other trivial stuff (like how much is the bus fare from Makati to Alabang). Maybe I really don't know how to talk to people. Maybe I'm Nobuta, except without the bullies. But at least she was in high school, then. I'm 23, and until now, no one has opened up to me, no matter how hard I try.

by: distantorigin at 07:47 | link | comments

What's Your Favourite Color?

Although I myself am not an artist, I have a lot of artist friends. I like asking them questions because they have such funny answers (I like asking writers questions too, because they give weird answers as well :P). Like for example, I have found that most (if not all) artists don't have a particular favourite color. They'll have a "blue phase" for example, or a "red phase" or whatever, but generally, their favourite colors will shift from time to time. I've had some people answer me in this way:

Me: What's your favourite color?
Arist #1: When? Right now?

Me: What's your favourite color?
Artist #2: Define "favourite".

Me: What's your favourite color?
Artist #3: None. I like things without color.

Me: What's your favourite color?
Artist #4: All of them.

Me: What's your favourite color?
Artist #5: A combination of red, brown and orange. Or yellow.

Me: What's your favourite color?
Artist #6: It used to be blue, but then I liked gray and then after that black. And then eventually, I've come to like green, but sometimes I still like blue.

Me: What's your favourite color?
Artist #7: It depends on what day it is and how I feel on that day. If I feel adventurous, it's orange. If I feel tired or sleepy, it's blue. If I feel cool, it's black. Although gray is the one that suits my personality best.

I don't know if they're all just trying to be original, or if for people who have to take colors seriously (as they use it in their artworks), it's really hard to choose. Because when I ask the same question to my non-artist friends, they always just tell me straight:

Me: What's your favourite color?
Non-Artist Friend #1: Yellow.

Me: What's your favourite color?
Non-Artist Friend #2: Pink.

Well, you get the point. Once, I asked the same question to my friend who's a writer, and she answered:

Me: What's your favourite color?
Writer #1: I don't have a favourite. The other colors might get jealous.

LOL. People are weird, eh?

by: distantorigin at 04:37 | link | comments

Sa Mga Larawan, Madali Lang Magpanggap

'Pag tinitignan ko ang mga larawan ng mga tao sa Friendster, mukhang masaya lahat ng mga buhay nila. May mga kinasal, mga nasa ibang bansa, mga maganda ang trabaho, mga puro party, puro outing sa beach, atbp. Lahat naka-ngiti. Siyempre, bakit ka naman maglalagay ng larawang malungkot 'dun, diba? Pwera na lang kung nagpapapansin ka talaga. Pero marami namang hindi nagpapapansin, at gusto lang talaga nilang ibahagi sa iba ang kasiyahan nila.

Tinignan ko ang mga sarili kong larawan na inilagay 'dun. Lahat din masaya, at ganun din ang tema--mga larawan ko at ng mga kaibigan ko at pamilya sa ibang lugar, o kaya may ginagawang kakaiba. Maski ang nakalagay 'dun sa "About Me" ko, masaya. Kahit ang totoo, ay hindi naman talaga ako masaya. Hindi naman kasing sarap ng mga nasa larawan ang buong buhay. 'Yung mga nasa larawan, ay pawang mga maiikling sandali lamang, sa buhay na mas-nakararami ang mga pangyayaring wala lang, 'yung mga 'di nakaka-interes, o di kaya'y nakakalungkot naman. Napaisip tuloy ako, kung ako ganun, na kahit lahat ng larawan ay maligaya ang tema, at maski ang "write-up" ay puro mga positibo ang nakalagay, pero sa totoo lang ay may mga araw na mababaliw na'ko sa lungkot, paano pa kaya 'yung iba?

Ano naman kaya ang mga nararamdaman nila? Palibhasa ang mga larawan ay mistulang drowing lamang, maari na rin sabihing hindi talaga nila napapakita ang katotohanan. Kahit pa sila'y prueba ng mga ngiti, ng mga karanasan sa buhay, hindi ibig sabihin na dahil marami kang larawang maaliwalas ay masaya ka na talaga.

Pero paano mo kaya malalaman kung alin sa mga kaibigan mo ang may problema, o kaya ang mga tunay na masaya? Maaring ang mga may asawa ay nagkaproblema matapos ang kasalan. Pwede rin namang 'yung mga mukhang nag-iisa lang sa ibang lugar 'eh mas-lalong natutuwa dahil naiwanan niya ang mala-presong sitwasyon ng dati niyang opisina... Sa tingin ko, pwera na lang kung magtatanong ka ng diretso, hindi mo talaga malalaman.

Hindi dahil "In a Relationship" ang status niya at marami silang picture ng boyfriend niya na nakangiti sila 'eh masaya talaga sila. Hindi dahil nakalagay sa "Occupation" niya ay Manager siya ng isang kumpanya 'eh maraming marami na siyang pera.

Sana ang buhay 'eh para na lang slideshow ng mga albums sa Friendster. 'Yung puro lang masasayang okasyon, kung saan lahat ng tao ay nakangiti, nakatawa. Kahit pa minsan, nagsisinungaling ang mga mata nila. Para sa'kin, sa ngayon, mas-gusto ko na 'yon.

by: distantorigin at 09:02 | link | comments